04 Jul


There is chaos in my head; my thoughts are restlessly banging against the walls of my mind it feels like they are in a race, running for freedom. But that doesn’t compare to the speed at which my legs are grazing the ground, barely touching it, not even close. Each leg leaving behind the other not even waiting for it to reach the ground before taking off again, they are on a mission and so am I. I’m trying to piece it all together, what is going on?

I feel it getting closer but how can I even tell, the rain crashing down on the earth like they had just been in a fight drowns out every other thing. It's taking over the night like that was its purpose, to distract me and stop me from getting the answer I desperately seek, “what is chasing me?”

Slowly, I feel my legs giving in, they are helpless and bruised, not that you could tell because the rain did an excellent job washing away the blood from the bottom of my feet like it was never there. The pain feels like nothing now, it doesn’t matter.

Now I hear it getting closer, “any moment from now”, I think.

Struggling to keep my legs moving, I’m relying on the only strength I have left hope. Every breath is keeping me alive, keeping my legs going, I need a way out.

Suddenly I realize we are not alone, they all see me, everyone sees me. Standing on the side watching me run past them, acting like I am putting on an act out of desperation like I was running when no one was chasing me like everything was perfect when we all knew deep down that something was wrong. It was clear that I was on the verge of losing myself. It is dark out but I know they see me, how could they not. Everyone is watching me struggle for air but no one cares. I’m consumed by my helplessness, not one of them is bothered, not a single person. I must really be terrible for no one to care about my pain. My chest hurt now and I’m trying to be strong but I can’t hold back the tears that roll down my face; it kills me that they all just watch me struggle to live, fighting to stay alive and one is doing anything, do they not see my pain?, “They must not be watching closely”, I think but deep down I knew for a fact that they all see me clearly and still I’m invisible.

I open my eyes and I’m panting heavily, I’m trying to catch my breath, my pulse is racing and I’m lying in my bed faced by the realization of what had just happened and by the white ceiling above me, I’m drenched in the same sweat that runs down my body. I look round my room quickly just to assure myself of safety, “the same nightmare”, I whisper to myself, but somehow I was used to them by now. I slowly move up and sit at the edge of my bed, right next to my nightstand, where pick up the remote for the lights turning them on, my shirt was damp and was starting to get uncomfortable so I take it off and the cold hit me. “I was sweating so much in this cold,” I thought.

I pick up my cane and as I walk towards the toilet I stumble on something but I don’t feel the need to turn back, I just keep on going slightly frustrated, I had bigger problems to care about today. Standing face down at the sink I wash my face to make sure I am fully awake and no longer dreaming, I look in the mirror on the white wall above the sink, looking at the man before me, who was this man? Now it was obvious without a doubt that I am incredibly good looking, slow-moving, light-skinned, tall, soft dark hair, reserved but attractive demeanor and damaged right leg which left me with a permanent limp that I’ve been told makes me look both more pitiful and attractive. I might sound biased but it’s true you would know if you saw me. I saw this man, this was the man everyone saw but who was he? I didn’t recognize him but I saw that he was broken which something no one else saw, he was invisible. “Hold on tight,” I said in a low voice, it was something I told him every morning and sluggishly I return to sit back down on my bed.

Now I’m looking round my room but this time slower and I can actually see everything now, from the royal blue kids' soccer ball that almost tripped me a few seconds ago which sat on my pure white shag carpet at the center of the room, to the cardboard boxes of clothes and toys, which were enough to start a clothing store for little boys that sat over at the far end to the left of the room, resting against the clean white wall that leads to the sliding walk in closet, or the pile of files and documents which is scattered all over the floor of my office area like there had just a hurricane or something, and also the very expensive and very broken glass office desk I bought just a few weeks ago that sat opposite the bed, I even saw the play station 4 hooked up to the 65-inch flat screen TV and home system with ultra sound speakers I have never used, the receipt for all the toys I was going to return once all this was over didn’t miss my wandering eyes too. I saw everything.

Then it catches my gaze, the one thing my mind has subconsciously tried to avoid, but now I can’t dare look away, my eyes are fixed to it but that doesn’t stop the tears that fall down my cheeks as I pick up from the nightstand a wooden picture frame decorated with macaroni and blue, yellow and green poster paint for kids. “Happy father’s day big T, from little T”, it reads right under a picture of Ty and me from his last birthday, there were cake and smiles on both of our faces. I feel my heartbreak; I feel every piece shatter and suddenly the pain I feel turns to anger causing me to slam the picture frame on the nightstand.

Beep, beep, beep… my alarm clock rings snapping me out of my thoughts. It’s 6:00 am Monday and I hate Mondays well I hate every day but I especially hate today. I turn off my phone because I don’t want to have to deal will anyone for a few hours until I really had too, not today. Every day felt like a struggle, I was doing fine on the outside because I never needed money I had a lot of it and I am very successful.  I’m doing quite well for myself I must say, I have a top floor apartment in one of the most expensive parts of Boston and it was a huge apartment. Everything I had was either really expensive or antique which was still expensive but yet the house looked simple and modest nothing too over the top. It was large but my rooms felt empty, my house felt empty, much like my life.

I sound like a typically shallow, rich entitled guy, probably because I am.

Working hard was one of the things that keep me distracted so I just kept working but I was just always in constant pain and it was hardest for me in the morning cause I always wake up to be faced with myself, so I created an entire morning ritual that helped me get in a slightly good frame of mind and get through the day.

What’s good?, my name Tyler Balogun, 21 years old, I have a job at a big tech company, which makes innovation for the future, as the head of the design and marketing team which pays me a whole lot of money to listen to flighty rich men tell me dumb ideas all day long on how to do my job without actually letting me do my job, which makes it just pointless. I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 16 but not like I needed a doctor to tell me that, six years later and no one in my family still knows which is not a shock to me, typical of them. Today I’m burying the only person that made all this bearable for me, my 5 years old son.

I feel ungrateful, most people would kill for my life and I hate that I can’t seem to be happy with this life but for me, it’s not one of those days it’s every day only that some are bearable. I hate myself for being like this, sometimes I feel it’s all in my head at least that what they tell me, that it’s not that bad, but it is. My pain is real and it’s killing me. I want to be better and I want to be happy, I’m trying but now I lost the one person that helped me try. I can’t do this alone and I don’t know how long I can hold on.

My life is the nightmare I desperately wish I could wake up from.


*five years ago*

I stood at the kitchen counter staring at the sink, the sound of the tap rushing got louder and soon I could no longer hear “f.r.i.e.n.d.s” playing on the TV in the living room. Watching the empty glass cup slowly fill up, every second was longer than the last, it felt like forever. Suddenly everything went quiet, 5000 square feet of the structure, and not a single sound was in the entire house, the glass was full. I turned the tap off and picked up the glass slowly with my left hand, both my hands started shaking and a few pills slipped out of my right hand. No hesitation or pause, it wasn’t time to think, it was my moment of truth. I threw a hand full of pills in my mouth and picked up the glass, tears rolled my eyes. Then my phone rang snapping me out of the trance.

“Tyler, please help it’s me Sasha, my water just broke the baby is coming”, the voice wept over the phone. She sounded scared and in shock, she was all alone. The glass slipped from my hand falling to the ground and shattering in the blink of an eye, I could suddenly hear the sound of friends playing in the living room again and the pills in my mouth were quickly in the bin, this child was bigger than what I had decided.

As I drove over to Sasha’s place in the brand new custom made grey Nissan GT-R I got for my 17th birthday, I questioned the entire situation, what was I to do? Who was I to call? My dad has been out of the country for two months God knows where closing a deal or something plus I had a higher chance of talking to Kanye West this week than my father, Mum is a big financial consultant so she was in the country but she was at work and she doesn’t take “personal” calls between 9 am and 11 pm when she was at work and it was afternoon now so… and the man of the hour, everyone’s favorite piece of crap Dave was definitely drunk and passed out somewhere in the USA. Somehow this was normal, a typical Sunday in the Balogun family. I felt bad for them, Sasha and the baby for getting mixed up with this dysfunctional family, they both deserved better I thought as I pulled up at Sasha’s house.

She was lying unconscious, bleeding on the floor in the living room when I burst open the door,  immediately I ran over to her stumbling to the ground beside her. Carrying her in my hands I made my way to my car quickly placing her in the passenger’s seat of my car and soon I was driving 80km/h to the hospital, thank God I told her to get a house close to the hospital when my parents were buying her one, right now I was terrified for her. As soon I got out to the hospital I ran over to grab the first person I saw in hospital uniform, I told him she was in labor and unconscious and he ran back inside shouting to his colleagues for back up and soon he was back with five other doctors and a stretcher. As they rushed her to the emergency room I started to panic, what if something goes wrong? What would I do? I tried calling mum and dad’s assistants I even tried calling Dave multiple times but no one answered. I sat on the floor in hospital halls and buried my face in my hand, I was helpless and most of all clueless.

This was a mess.

Sasha and Dave were high school sweethearts, who thought they were in love and only lived in the thrill and fun of the moment. He was good looking, with his big black eyes, fair complexion and athletic figure, he kept a nice afro, always looked neat and valuable. His smile was charming and any girl would fall for how he made them feel special when he smiled at them, and Sasha did. She too was undeniably beautiful, her looks could but any guy in a trance as she walked in the halls. She carried herself with class, like the queen everyone at school saw her as but she was always so kind and good to others, extremely smart and intelligent. Sasha saw that Dave wasn’t perfect, everyone knew he was far from it, his flaws were obvious but there was just that charm had, his fly matched her fly. Everyone knew the “it” couple that was Sasha Benson and Dave Balogun and we all envied them. All that was until he got her pregnant first year of university; they were both 19 at the time.

I remember Dave breaking the news to us over dinner, we all sat at the dinner table in silence like we always did, mom had already asked everyone about their day and there was nothing left to talk about so we all just sat and ate our food. When Dave broke the silence the look on mom’s face was priceless, I could see that she wasn’t shocked no one was, I mean it was Dave but it was what he said after that shocked us all. He said plainly that he was not ready to have a child now and he doesn’t even think he wants children and that Sasha was being unreasonable for wanting to keep it, ”I hope you understand but I can’t force myself to do this right now, I have a lot on my plate”, he said. Dad was furious but I knew he only cared about his company and reputation, “do you have any idea how stupid you sound right now boy, don’t go making mistakes you can’t handle, if the media catches wind of this nonsense you would hate the sight of me, fool”, he said as he walked out of the dinning slamming the door. Mom stood up from her seat and went to hug her son, for someone who wasn’t always there she sure made him a spoilt idiot. My blood boiled at the way she treated him like he was the victim, “are you serious, you ungrateful idiot, can’t you just take responsibility for your mess like a real man and stop hiding behind your mommy every time you mess up”, I blurt out in anger. “what did you say fool” He stood up almost immediately to come at me, he was looking for a fight and so was I, but mom held him back, turned to me and said, “Tyler you will speak to your older bother with respect, do you hear me”, “yes ma’am” I replied storming out the room, I couldn’t stand those two jokers fool themselves anymore, it was pathetic how she treated him like a toddler it’s like she didn’t know that he was a grown-ass man.

My parents always said “family must always have family’s back”, that was the biggest lie they ever told me because no one in the family has anyone’s back, we act like we do. Dave and Sasha broke up but it was not a shock to anyone, she said she wasn’t going to force anyone to stay with her out of pity and that she was going to raise the child on her own, but my parents being them insisted on supporting her and the baby financially they even bought her a house after her parents cut her off.

Tyler,  Tyler, Tyler doctor Drew called out tapping me on my shoulder waking me up from my sleep, I hadn’t realized I fell asleep on the floor. Doctor Drew was a good friend of my dad who delivered Dave and me, he has helped throughout with Sasha and the baby. I sat on the floor half-asleep looking up at him, “you must be tired, what a strong young man you staying her with Sasha” he said smiling at me, “are you ready to meet the baby” he continued. He led me to Sasha’s room and on the way, he told me it was a very close one for her and the baby but everything was fine now and I felt relieved but more than that I felt happy.

She held him so close to her body smiling at her son, she has worked so hard to be able to hold him close, and she couldn’t lose him. I stood at the door quietly, watching them, I saw the love between them already, and I felt it. Her face was sad, but yet mesmerizing with bright things on it, bright eyes and a bright passionate mouth. Suddenly her eyes caught my gaze, we looked at each other for a few seconds and tears ran down her cheeks. She was happy but in so much pain and she knew I saw her pain. “Aren’t you going to come and meet your nephew?” she said softly breaking the silence, she was weak but tried to be strong. I smiled at her walking over to her bed, I sat slowly on the chair by her bed admiring the baby, she gestured for me to carry him and I did. He was small and so fragile, my hands started to shake a little, I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable, his eyes were closed but he clenched his hand together and moved his feet a bit. He was beautiful. He was light-skinned, he had beautiful curly black hair all over his head and his face was the best thing I’ve ever seen. After a while the nurse came in to check Sasha and the baby, she told me I had to let him rest and put him in a cot beside Sasha’s bed.

“Thank you for everything T, you saved both mine and my son’s life, I’m grateful because you were always there for us, you gave us a chance and showed us, love, you didn’t have to but you did. I’m really grateful”. “Hey you know I got you, no need to thank me we family right” I replied smiling, “I hope one he grows up to be half the man you are T” she continued, putting her hand on my shoulder, no one called me except her, it always made me feel good. But she was wrong I hope he grows up to be a better man than I am, one that is happy and not just makes others happy.

As we had been talking, she pulled her braids in a high loose bun with few strands of hair falling around her face, she did that when she was nervous or felt awkward. “So what are you going to name this handsome devil,” I said changing the mood, “it’s my son you are calling devil Tyler” she joked and we both laughed, she was always smiling even in the darkest times she smiled and I couldn’t help but smile too. “Ty, Ty Balogun that’s his name,” she said, “I’m confused, Ty as in Tyler” I replied. She smiled at me and said “no Ty as in Ty just Ty, also it’s not bad if he grows up with a part of his uncle, someone he can always look up to”, I pulled her into a hug, she thought way too highly of me, I wasn’t that great, I wasn’t great at all. “I mean I’m not complaining I like it, T and T,” I said, “oh oh I know, little T and big T, that sounds way better,” she said with so much excitement, “really that is so cringing,” I said and we both burst into laughter. “How does she have so much energy?” I thought.

“Little T, big T,” I said under my breath, I was right it’s was so cringe but it felt good. They were both finally asleep so I left. I told her I would leave when they were both asleep and be back the next morning before going to school.

A week later, my mom went to see Sasha at her home, she didn’t stay a full hour but left her a whole lot of money and clothes, toys, all those stuff and it wasn’t until a few months before Dave “agreed” to see the baby. No one cared that his name was Ty or that I saw Sasha and the baby every other day; they probably didn’t care enough to notice. As time went by Dave only became more of a deadbeat father but, to be honest, he was never even a father, mum and dad saw Ty when during a few holidays like Christmas and always made sure Sasha had a ton of money to take care of herself and Ty but I only got more involved in Sasha and the baby’s lives.

Ty was now my reason to stick around, the pain was still there but now I had a reason to endure it, his little heart was so pure and full of joy, he was a happy child always smiling and those big black eyes, they made me want to be there. They both were my reason to stay but. But I would never dare tell Sasha how I really felt about her, she always said as a joke, “T, you’re like my little brother but you are also my son’s father, see our messed up family” and we would laugh because I was just 17 and already a dad but she was right he was my son and all three of us knew that in our hearts so I couldn’t do that to her, I wasn’t that selfish so I keep those feelings locked away like I did most of my other feelings and I wanted to be better for Ty because I needed him more than he needed me.

At a point, I realized that I was already too attached to get out.


Standing erect, hands behind my back, chest out, and head up. Just like my father taught me. Lol. I’m looking straight ahead into the full-size mirror in my walk-in closet, black tie on, black shirt, black custom made suit from Ermenegildo Zegna, black shoes, Kenneth Cole shoes. “Full drip,” I thought. (Sarcastic humor is how I deal with life). I pick up my Rolex from the dressing table and slowly put it on my right wrist, I’m not doing too badly for myself and I wasn’t looking too bad for the occasion either. Wait, I feel like I sound like a typical rich, proud, superficial guy. Ok, the thing is I’m not it’s just how I relate with the world. You probably still think I’m shallow or something. Oh well.

Still, I can’t stand to look at the man in the mirror for long, slowly tears run down my face. I hate him. He was about to get into his car and attend his own son’s funeral.  

If I didn’t have Ty, what then did I have? Who did I have? I lost everything, my will to live was gone and I have never felt more like that 17 years old kid that had given up on life than I did right now. I had lost. My son was my reason to live, to hold and hope for a better day but instead I watched him slip out of my life slowly, slowly, and slowly until he wasn’t there anymore. It was my fault.

My heart feels heavy, I’m struggling to breathe, sweating profusely and gasping for air, and I take off my tie swiftly and throw it to the ground. I’m chocking, my lungs are failing me, and I suddenly realize that my closet isn’t looking so big anymore. Looking round the room, turning and turning, what exactly am I looking for? I’m hitting my chest now in a panic, it feels like my lungs were locked up and the tears were the only thing that came out of me. I can’t breathe. My head is spinning and slowly I start to feel dizzy.

I pause for a second, still panting heavily, I take another look at the man standing in front of me in the mirror. All I see is the boy five years ago that should have given up, that should have never answered that phone because this was much worse, having hope and then losing it. I shouldn’t have given him hope just so he could lose it all. And now I’m questioning the decisions I made in the past, the decision to live and cling to hope, it doesn’t seem worth it now.

I hate the man I was, I hate the man I saw, I hate the man I am, I just hate you Tyler Olanrewaju Balogun, because he had no one, he was a pathetic man and it killed me.

My mind flashes back memories of that broken, lonely, sad teenager. He didn’t just need hope, he needed someone to see he was hurt and care just a little, he didn’t just need to live for someone he needed to live because he wanted to, he needed someone to make him feel safe. He needed help so much help. I felt bad for him but the sight of him made me mad, I just can’t stand him.

Suddenly everything stops. Now I can’t hold back anymore and without hesitation, or thinking (sounds familiar) I smashed my head into the full-size mirror in front of me, shattering it into a thousand pieces. Glass is everywhere, all over my body and the floor. Slowly I stumble to the ground, on tiny pieces of glass, but that didn’t matter to me right now, not even in the least. A drop of blood falls on my shirt, then a few more, and before I know it blood is running down my face from my forehead, and now the top part of my shirt was a new shade of black-red that looks like a low budget tie-dye project.

I take off my shirt…

Now I’m leaving my apartment in a bit of haste, I was late already. New shirt, new tie, new suit, oh but I still had my Kenneth Cole on. Good as new, except for the fact that my head was now wrapped in bandage dressing, I smell of menthol spirit and the pack of anti-depressant I doused down and threw in my coat pocket. Like I said good as new.

Now don’t be so confused, I was fine, well sort of, but I was used to it by now, it was normal, kind of like a routine, I hurt myself, clean myself up and act as nothing happened. Crazy, I know. It happened so often growing up and no one really noticed that I wasn’t just hurt physically so I just got skilled at taking care of all my wounds and not just the physical ones.


I use my cane to push the “G” button on the elevator as I step in, and the door closes. It’s 10:47 am now and I was late to my son’s funeral.

By now I had missed the church services so I went straight to the graveyard for the final ceremony.

Everyone was here. Everyone, a whole bunch of people, uncles, aunties, distant relatives, and family friends, even Dave was here, for crying out loud the media was here so I was sure my parents were here too. Even his school teacher whom he always talked about, and I’m pretty sure he had a crush on was here.  An entire gathering of people dressed in black, with sober looks on their faces and tears in their eyes, mourning a child they never even knew existed until his death, he didn’t even know he had this much “family” and I wasn’t so crazy about them either.

But what was I even complaining about, it was a sunny day, birds chirping and flowers blooming. Ty would have given anything to go outside on a day like this.  Besides we are all outside so it wasn’t stuff and chocked up, considering the number of people here. I didn’t know Ty was popular like that, oh wait he isn’t.

Mum and Dad stood right at the front with the media surrounding them and I wasn’t even surprised. They look good, especially mum, she always looked good though. My parents always enjoyed the attention, they were always in the news and it was good for business, no press is bad press, but I didn’t think they would do this, that’s heartless even for them. I could already see tomorrow’s headline-“Business tycoon and multi-millionaire Femi O. Balogun and wife mourn the loss of their grandson and heir to the Balogun Empire”. I was starting to feel sick already. Their son Dave even honored the occasion, he’s standing by a tree with his friends perching all around him like they always did, good for nothing excuses for men.  He looked neutral, has on that same clueless and unbothered look he always has, and he was on his phone. Does this bastard even know he just lost his son?  How insulting. My blood is boiling; the mere sight of him flared my irritation. I clench my fingers into a fist so hard my nails cut into my skin. Dave and I were not the best of brothers and over the years, we only grew apart, but the day my son died was also the day my brother died. He was dead to me.

It wasn’t just fair. This is my son, dead, in a casket, not smiling, not laughing, he was dead. And they had the media here.

A small hand brushed my shoulder; it’s warm and soft, familiar too. It felt reassuring. “T” the voice called out and in a moment I knew who it was. “Hey,” I said turning around slowly. It was Sasha. Sasha was standing in front of me, and the first thing I saw was her pain. Her pain, not her long black hair, braided only halfway or her swollen brown eyes red with tears, or the bright red lips and melanin popping skin, it wasn’t all this, it was her pain and for the first time it overshadowed how beautiful she was. She looked sick. It looked at me and did the best she could do trying to smile, but it was obvious she hasn’t smiled much lately. I couldn’t gather the courage to say another word, what would I say, so we both just stood there for a while accompanied by the pain we both shared. Tears ran down her face, she tried to stop them but they still fell, she was broken and so I pull her into a hug, so she could give some of her pain to me, so I could share in her grief, I’m holding her tight and I can feel her shaking in my arms, her face buried in my chest, “thanks” she stuttered.

“Gracious Lord we ask that you send your spirit to comfort this family and help them through this troubled times, we pray that they shall not suffer a loss like this again and that may the soul of our precious boy rest in peace with you”, the minister said a final prayer and everyone said “Amen”. Now it was all over, “Ty was gone now” I thought looking over at Sasha who was now standing over by her parents, still in tears. Slowly everyone was leaving and as soon as mom and dad spoke with Sasha they left too and so did the media. Sasha and a couple of her family members and friends were still around, even her parents were still here, who would think after all these years of not forgiving her because she had a child they would be there for her now that he’s gone. They were all gathered under a big oak tree just by the entrance of the graveyard, comforting Sasha and making sure she was alright. I wanted to see how she was doing now but I was probably the last person her family would want to see now so I just got in my car and sat there, waiting for them to leave.

“What was he still doing here,” I thought as I looked over from my side mirror at the graveyard, “what was he doing standing by Ty’s grave”. It was a little too late to play the role of caring father but there Dave was standing by Ty’s grave, “why doesn’t my daddy love me big T”, my mind flashed back to the face of that little boy that didn’t know why his father didn’t love him, the tear in his eyes and pain in his voice, he was only five.  Suddenly I felt all the rage and pain I had suppressed rise up, he didn’t have the right to stand over by that grave, not today not ever.  I have to end it now I thought as I got out of my car, slamming the door violently behind me…

“What are you still doing here”, I said as I walked up to Dave, standing beside him with my both hands In my pocket, “don’t you think it’s time you left already or do you not have anywhere else to be useless”, I clenched both my fists in my pocket. “You better check that tone of yours or do I need to remind you that this is my son’s funeral we at,” Dave said as he turned towards me, glaring straight into my eyes. “Or should I say your son cause you always played the role of world’s best dad, and I see the way to look at that girl you two probably slept”- I didn’t let him finish, suddenly my right fist was out of my pocket and slamming into his face. Blood pooled out of his mouth and immediately he rushed at me, plunging his fist into my stomach, it was like a car crashing into a tree. This fight was long overdue and in a few seconds we were both on the floor tumbling over the dirt of Ty’s grave, pounding the life out of each other, I guess you are ready to meet your son again he said as he delivered another blow right on my left eye. Sasha and her family had seen us and ran over, her older brother Spencer and uncle stepped right in pulling us both apart, I looked over at Sasha who was standing there with tears in her eyes and immediately my heart drops.

“Are you both insane”, she yelled at us, “this is the same pathetic reason my son isn’t here today” she continued with tears in her voice. “Don’t you both even have respect for my boy that you both couldn’t wait to go home before acting like you are both on drugs?” I looked over at her family, they were all speechless but it was obvious they were disappointed in me; they always saw me as the good one, at least not until now. Dave looked me in the eye before spitting out blood on the grass and walking out, I just stood there, covered in mud, blood on both my knuckles both mines and his and bruises all over my face.

Sasha walked over to me and sat beside me on the grass, just as she had convinced her family to go back home without her. She just sat there, she didn’t shout or say anything, she was just there beside me. We sat for about 30 minutes without saying a word; we were just sharing in each other’s pain. We had this connection that just went beyond words, but it wasn’t a romantic one, I guess we just understood each other’s pain well. I looked over at the person before me, she was hurt but she was also stunning. Her pain was no longer overshadowing her beauty, this was the strongest woman I knew, and how did she always come out of every mess glowing. “How do you do it,” I asked, “do what” she replied a bit puzzled, “look so stunning and at peace no matter what goes on in your life or around you”, I said. She smiled at me leaning toward me and whispered “ I have Jesus” and as she started pulling away she said, “and I know he’s with me in every storm so just hold on to him”, I pulled her back leaning in for a kiss- “it’s time to go T” she said turning her face away and getting off the floor.

“I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have done that it was very wrong of me,” I said as I pulled up at her home, “its fine T she said placing her hand on my shoulder and smiling at me”. There she goes again, she just had a way of pulling me back into her spell with that smile, and it always makes me feel at peace like I was on cloud 9, it was like a pill. She was like my pill.

I picked up the phone later that night and made a phone call, one I knew I would regret in the morning but I didn’t care, what Sasha said at the graveyard stuck with me.

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